feelin’ low…and other stuff.

yeah. it’s true.   

i’m feeling pretty …well, depressed, i guess.
this always frustrates me a bit since i really have no reason to feel this way.  i don’t mean depressed in the clinical sense of the term.  just kind of an all around miserable feeling.  blech.  i look around our place: laundry, dishes, toys, shoes, random crap pretty much everywhere…continually.  always.  everywhere.
it gets picked up each night after the kids go down, and every morning it looks like a bomb hit it again. 

anyways, from what i hear, i am not the only one to experience this.  we have a one year old and a 2 year old afterall… i usually can take it into stride. do my jobs, one by one, etc. 
but i can NEVER really feel “on top” of things.  i LOOOOOOOOONG for organization, structure, routine, order, neatness, did i say organization? 
it seems that no matter HOW hard i try, i can NEVER attain that which i strive towards.  sometimes i just want to give up, throw in the towel. forget it. 

ok. so. i have this secret desire to be june cleaver.  she is always smiling, gentle, calm, loving, waiting at the door when ward comes home from work (whistling might i add), all the while wearing a neatly pressed dress AND pearls (while scrubbing floors and vacuuming!?)…..basically…yes, i want to be her.  *smiling wryly*
i’ve come up against this feeling of inevitability.  it keeps coming around to me.  i usually feel like its the devil trying to get me down.  telling me: “you are who you are.”  “you’ll never change.”  “try as you might, you will always live in this crazy, disorganized mess.”  “its your character.” 
i do, however, believe that God’s spirit changes us in all things.  if we allow him to.
but its SO.DANG.SLOW.SOMETIMES!!! 
you know, i’ve been really praying about this a lot lately.  i want to be a godly woman…proverbs 31.  can’t do it on my own, so i asked the Lord to show me practical ways to make changes and get organized.  you know what? he did.  he showed me some very practical ways….and i was doing really well for a while (a short while)..and then i fall back into my habits. 

the thing is right now i am TIIIIIIIIRED.  i’ve been getting up at 5.  i need this time in the morning to myself.  no kids. no husband.  just me and God.  and that’s been great, but it makes me tired.  then 10:00 p.m. rolls around and i want to sleep… Jeremy wants to spend time with me….but my eyes are literally rolling into the back of my head.  (poor guy….!)

anyways….i have some hope:  this summer we are moving downstairs (we live in the upstairs apartment of an old house).  the apartment downstairs will be great for these reasons:

1)  A WASHER AND A DRYER!!!!  (yep. we don’t have one here…..2 babies and no washer…that alone is enough to drive me nuts-o!)

2) A DISHWASHER!!!!! (i won’t feel like ALL i do is dishes all day long!!) 

3) A BACKYARD!!!! (my kids can PLAY OUTSIDE!)

4) A STORAGE ROOM (but still no excuse to collect junk!  still trying to get rid of it!)

5) A PLAY ROOM SLASH GUEST ROOM….(in the basement)

6) A DEEP-FREEZE (which means now i can stock up on the hormone-free    meats at the farmers’ market)

7) A VEGGIE GARDEN! (oh, how i am happy for this! i love gardening, although i know not much about it.)

ok, i am feeling a bit better already, just thinking about it. 

**on a lighter note**

here’s some photos from last weekend…and a few other random ones…

like mama-like baby

my little hippie-girl. 

my jer.

sittin’ in the strolla.  holla!  whoot whoot!

serious self-portrait, squinting-into-the-sun face.

yummy trail mix

joshijah playing catch with daddy-bear.

running away from the ball……yikes!

another photo of my lovely.

hosanna loves quinoa!  yummy!

funny face.   

NEW CONTEST! yay!

  ok! another contest…this one is my second one….how fun!

stephanie at adventures in babywearing is giving away 120.00 dollars worth of cool baby stuff from Mason & Matisse, which is a company that sells some really great stuff for the babes.   

check it out and join in! 

*mel*

..::the love of a lifetime::..

Well…its past my bedtime.  But I need to process my thoughts. 

This weekend was busy.  Fun. Crazy.  All of the above. 

My sister Jes got married.  To Tom. 
This is a good thing. 

This is a great thing. 

 

Here’s the thing…
Tom is a guy (obviously). 
He is the oldest of 5 boys.   
The firstborn son. 
The first to leave the nest. 

His mama cried. 

Tears of joy mostly (I think…for she loves Jes…)

But also, tears of letting go. 

 

As she was dancing with her son, my aunt turned to me, and

Began to share with me her own experience of letting go of her firstborn son.

 

For many, many years (that seem like merely days in retrospect), this boy belongs to you.

You are his mama….

The woman in his life.

All of a sudden…you are not the woman in his life. 

You hand him over to another.

She is now the one to love him,

feed him,

cherish him,

speak tenderly to him when he needs comfort.

She is who he will turn to when life is wonderful…

and when life is terrible.

 

This is how its supposed to be. 

It’s a good thing.

Not an easy thing, I can imagine.

 

I lay awake tonight thinking about that moment in my life when I will be dancing with my son at his wedding. 

Wanting to hold him forever (and I will, in my heart),

But giving him to his bride.

(I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I write…) 

 

The thing I am sensing most strongly right now, tonight…is this:

We, as godly women…..mothers…NEED to begin now to pray for that specific woman

(who is presently a girl,

 or perhaps an infant,

or maybe not yet conceived….)

We need to pray for them their whole lives through.

We need to pray for their own parents…to be able to model true and godly love.

We need to pray that the Holy Spirit would penetrate their hearts from a young age…before they make regrettable mistakes. 

We need to pray that God would mold them and shape them into women. 

Gentle, lovely and peaceable….

Not women of the world’s standards. 

Not women who merely chase fashion and beauty and material things. 

Women who are hungry for the things of God. 

Hungry for truth. 

Hungry for righteousness…

I want to look forward to the day when I hand my firstborn son to his beautiful, blushing bride with peace in my heart.

Knowing that God, in response to my prayers, and those of her own parents, has been shaping her and preparing her throughout her life…

preparing her for this moment,

this lifetime…

 

Lord, I commit her to you now. 

And my son also. 

Mold him into your likeness,

Teach him to recognize your voice in the midst of the cacophony of this world.

Make him desirous for a woman of noble character. 

One handpicked by you…

And give me the grace to model what a woman should be to a man, to her children,

And to her God.

 

*m*

mama-love…

 

well, mothers’ day is fast approaching!  today i received a big beautiful hanging basket of flowers from jeremy’s mom and dad.  how very fun and wonderful of them.  i have been blessed beyond measure, not only with my OWN family, but with a family-in-law that i REALLY love.  before getting married, it was hard to imagine becoming a part of another family…after all, i had my own, and i liked them very much, thank you…BUT….i love jeremy’s family and feel SO blessed and honoured to have been welcomed into their family with open arms and made to feel so loved. 
thanks mama and dad little in texas for the beautiful basket.  it’s hanging on the front balcony!!!! 

as a side note:  i am working on making a gift for my mom as well….thought i’d post a picture…i’m TRYING to make more of my gifts…..it saves money, sure…but i think its fun to get handmade stuff….(hopefully other people appreciate it too….??!?!)  well, here is one of the pillows i am in the process of making…with button flowers.    
  

ahhh….simplicity.

well, this morning hosanna was sleeping, and my husband jer was working here at home, so i took joshijah out for a walk.  the weather was BEAUTIFUL….gentle breeze, shining sun, birds all chirpy and a-flutter.  we took time to talk (2 year old conversation) and look at flowers, naming the colours and picking dandelions.  it was then that i realized that i almost ….and i say almost…felt….guilty.  yep. guilty.

here i was on this blissful walk with my son, chatting and smiling, holding hands and discovering small things.  drinking my morning cup of coffee.  it doesn’t get any better than this.  but for a fleeting moment, the thought crossed my mind: i wonder if people look at me and think i am being lazy or “playing hookie”.  shouldn’t i be doing something productive?  laundry, dishes, meetings ?????

i want to be free from that feeling.  as slight as it may be.  sure, i think we need to work hard and be diligent in all we do, but if we are to really pass on an understanding of simplicity and peace in life to our kids, we need to be able to spend time with them at their pace.  they live unhurried and happy lives (if we allow them to).  the trend today is to get your kids involved in every program known to man, so that they can be well-rounded and knowledgeable, and of course, so they can make informed decisions about what they are going to do with the rest of their lives.   *pffft*.

sometimes it just makes me tired to watch it all spinning around me.  i long for simpler times.  i guess it’s up to us to guard our own lives.  boundaries are important.  we need not say ‘yes’ to everything that comes our way.  guilt is a big motivator.  i pray that God would reveal to me daily the motivations of my heart.  am i doing something just because i feel guilty or am comparing myself to the lady down the street who has 6 kids and can still manage to juggle a full-time job, a clean house, a big vegetable garden, and volunteering on several committees, teaching sunday school and baking cookies?
Lord, show me what I am capable of.  Teach me how make the most of my time.  Teach me simplicity and peace.  Help me to not only convey it to my family, but to the people around me.  Teach me when to say no, when to say yes.    

…how it all began…

jer just showed me this pic someone had recently emailed him.  this is of us in australia.  i am the one with the bandana.  jer is the one beside me.  this is when we were younger and hipper.  heh.  before we had our kids.  we used to work with Youth With A Mission in australia.  in fact, that is where we met.  we were both on a ”discipleship training school“ which is a 6 month school where you learn all kinds of things pertaining to life as a true christian.  then you go on outreach to another country, where you can put what you’ve learned into practice as a missionary.  we were on the same school.  we were on the same outreach to malaysia.  it was stretching and challenging and beautiful and hard.  God did amazing things in our lives.  i became new.  jer became new.  during all this, we fell in love.  
about 10 months after graduating from the school, we were married.  blissful (well, blissful with rocky bits…but mainly blissful )  about 6 months after getting married we felt that we were to go back to australia and work on staff at the base where we had met.  we were there for about a year and a half.  we went to the solomon islands on outreach this time.  another stretching, challenging, exciting and beautiful experience.   then we came home (to canada…not jer’s home….he’s from texas) when we were pregnant with joshijah.  we have been here for 2 1/2 years and have had joshijah and hosanna may.  we’ve been working with the youth here at our small church and jer is just launching a new graphic/web design company.  he’s brilliant. 

God is good…its amazing when you look back at the paths your lives have taken, how you can see His hand so clearly leading….its not always so easy to see it when you’re in the ”thick of it”, but He’s always there.  and so is His provision.  He is grand. 

*and that, folks, was just a bit about us.  * 

  

.makeup-free blogging.

ok, so stephanie at adventures in babywearing is having a contest.  she has dared bloggers to go without makeup and show the world.  i am SO new to this whole blogging thing and have NO idea how to really do this stuff, but i thought i’d try to get into this stuff.    so, here i am. 

and all i can say is: mascara.is.my.friend. 

*melanie*

Joshijah and Me!

**we did it!**

{{{GOODBYE MICROWAVE!!!!}}}

well, i finally decided to just DO IT!!!  i have been wanting to live microwave-free for a long time now.  sure, who can beat the convenience…but i always feel as though i am compromising my family’s health in the meantime.  well, last week i asked jer if he was ok with us getting rid of it.  he was cool, and so, we unplugged it.  it is still sitting in its spot in the kitchen (we are giving it to my sister and her fiance who are getting married next weekend.)  it was nice to have the “security” of having it sit there unplugged “in case” we NEEDED it (heh), but alas, we have not used it in over a week, and i am gleefull… 

there’s just better things to do with your food.  and the health risks are not cool.

ok, i must get back to life here.  we’ve been working outside preparing the soil for a veggie patch, an herb garden and a perennial garden!  yay! i am so excited and i don’t know anything!!! thankfully my friend sara is a pro….and i have this very cool book to help me out! 

*pure hairwashing genius!*

ok, so i ordered these cute bath visors for the kids in the tub…keeps the water out of their eyes when washing their hair.  check em out here.  Plus, it makes them feel really cool when they getta wear hats in the tub.  yessss!