feelin’ low…and other stuff.

yeah. it’s true.   

i’m feeling pretty …well, depressed, i guess.
this always frustrates me a bit since i really have no reason to feel this way.  i don’t mean depressed in the clinical sense of the term.  just kind of an all around miserable feeling.  blech.  i look around our place: laundry, dishes, toys, shoes, random crap pretty much everywhere…continually.  always.  everywhere.
it gets picked up each night after the kids go down, and every morning it looks like a bomb hit it again. 

anyways, from what i hear, i am not the only one to experience this.  we have a one year old and a 2 year old afterall… i usually can take it into stride. do my jobs, one by one, etc. 
but i can NEVER really feel “on top” of things.  i LOOOOOOOOONG for organization, structure, routine, order, neatness, did i say organization? 
it seems that no matter HOW hard i try, i can NEVER attain that which i strive towards.  sometimes i just want to give up, throw in the towel. forget it. 

ok. so. i have this secret desire to be june cleaver.  she is always smiling, gentle, calm, loving, waiting at the door when ward comes home from work (whistling might i add), all the while wearing a neatly pressed dress AND pearls (while scrubbing floors and vacuuming!?)…..basically…yes, i want to be her.  *smiling wryly*
i’ve come up against this feeling of inevitability.  it keeps coming around to me.  i usually feel like its the devil trying to get me down.  telling me: “you are who you are.”  “you’ll never change.”  “try as you might, you will always live in this crazy, disorganized mess.”  “its your character.” 
i do, however, believe that God’s spirit changes us in all things.  if we allow him to.
but its SO.DANG.SLOW.SOMETIMES!!!  🙂
you know, i’ve been really praying about this a lot lately.  i want to be a godly woman…proverbs 31.  can’t do it on my own, so i asked the Lord to show me practical ways to make changes and get organized.  you know what? he did.  he showed me some very practical ways….and i was doing really well for a while (a short while)..and then i fall back into my habits. 

the thing is right now i am TIIIIIIIIRED.  i’ve been getting up at 5.  i need this time in the morning to myself.  no kids. no husband.  just me and God.  and that’s been great, but it makes me tired.  then 10:00 p.m. rolls around and i want to sleep… Jeremy wants to spend time with me….but my eyes are literally rolling into the back of my head.  (poor guy….!)

anyways….i have some hope:  this summer we are moving downstairs (we live in the upstairs apartment of an old house).  the apartment downstairs will be great for these reasons:

1)  A WASHER AND A DRYER!!!!  (yep. we don’t have one here…..2 babies and no washer…that alone is enough to drive me nuts-o!)

2) A DISHWASHER!!!!! (i won’t feel like ALL i do is dishes all day long!!) 

3) A BACKYARD!!!! (my kids can PLAY OUTSIDE!)

4) A STORAGE ROOM (but still no excuse to collect junk!  still trying to get rid of it!)

5) A PLAY ROOM SLASH GUEST ROOM….(in the basement)

6) A DEEP-FREEZE (which means now i can stock up on the hormone-free    meats at the farmers’ market)

7) A VEGGIE GARDEN! (oh, how i am happy for this! i love gardening, although i know not much about it.)

ok, i am feeling a bit better already, just thinking about it.  🙂

**on a lighter note**

here’s some photos from last weekend…and a few other random ones…

like mama like daughter

like mama-like baby

hosanna may…

my little hippie-girl.  🙂

my jer-bear.

my jer.

hosanna

sittin’ in the strolla.  holla!  whoot whoot!

serious

serious self-portrait, squinting-into-the-sun face.

me

trail mix

yummy trail mix

joshijah playing catch

joshijah playing catch with daddy-bear.

jos.

running away from the ball……yikes!

jer

another photo of my lovely.

eating quinoa

hosanna loves quinoa!  yummy!

eating

funny face.  🙂 

Advertisements

3 responses to “feelin’ low…and other stuff.

  1. I love your pictures!! You and your family are beautiful!!

    Hang in there. Days will get better and it sounds like moving, although hard, will be a good thing. My girls are spaced about 6 years about, so I can’t relate, but I know just one child will wear you out.

    My girls are older now, but I can relate to tired. Last night, in fact, we started watching a movie, and I fell asleep. But then again, my oldest is like the energizer bunny, and we went to three thrift stores and farmer’s market yesterday.

    You’re doing great, hang in there.

  2. thanks dawn! 🙂
    its funny…i fall asleep during movies all the time!
    i appreciate the encouragement a lot.

  3. You have a beautiful family! I think this is my first visit to your blog, I’ll be back 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s