i’m feeling pretty …well, depressed, i guess.
this always frustrates me a bit since i really have no reason to feel this way. i don’t mean depressed in the clinical sense of the term. just kind of an all around miserable feeling. blech. i look around our place: laundry, dishes, toys, shoes, random crap pretty much everywhere…continually. always. everywhere.
it gets picked up each night after the kids go down, and every morning it looks like a bomb hit it again.
anyways, from what i hear, i am not the only one to experience this. we have a one year old and a 2 year old afterall… i usually can take it into stride. do my jobs, one by one, etc.
but i can NEVER really feel “on top” of things. i LOOOOOOOOONG for organization, structure, routine, order, neatness, did i say organization?
it seems that no matter HOW hard i try, i can NEVER attain that which i strive towards. sometimes i just want to give up, throw in the towel. forget it.
ok. so. i have this secret desire to be june cleaver. she is always smiling, gentle, calm, loving, waiting at the door when ward comes home from work (whistling might i add), all the while wearing a neatly pressed dress AND pearls (while scrubbing floors and vacuuming!?)…..basically…yes, i want to be her. *smiling wryly*
i’ve come up against this feeling of inevitability. it keeps coming around to me. i usually feel like its the devil trying to get me down. telling me: “you are who you are.” “you’ll never change.” “try as you might, you will always live in this crazy, disorganized mess.” “its your character.”
i do, however, believe that God’s spirit changes us in all things. if we allow him to.
but its SO.DANG.SLOW.SOMETIMES!!! 🙂
you know, i’ve been really praying about this a lot lately. i want to be a godly woman…proverbs 31. can’t do it on my own, so i asked the Lord to show me practical ways to make changes and get organized. you know what? he did. he showed me some very practical ways….and i was doing really well for a while (a short while)..and then i fall back into my habits.
the thing is right now i am TIIIIIIIIRED. i’ve been getting up at 5. i need this time in the morning to myself. no kids. no husband. just me and God. and that’s been great, but it makes me tired. then 10:00 p.m. rolls around and i want to sleep… Jeremy wants to spend time with me….but my eyes are literally rolling into the back of my head. (poor guy….!)
anyways….i have some hope: this summer we are moving downstairs (we live in the upstairs apartment of an old house). the apartment downstairs will be great for these reasons:
1) A WASHER AND A DRYER!!!! (yep. we don’t have one here…..2 babies and no washer…that alone is enough to drive me nuts-o!)
2) A DISHWASHER!!!!! (i won’t feel like ALL i do is dishes all day long!!)
3) A BACKYARD!!!! (my kids can PLAY OUTSIDE!)
4) A STORAGE ROOM (but still no excuse to collect junk! still trying to get rid of it!)
5) A PLAY ROOM SLASH GUEST ROOM….(in the basement)
6) A DEEP-FREEZE (which means now i can stock up on the hormone-free meats at the farmers’ market)
7) A VEGGIE GARDEN! (oh, how i am happy for this! i love gardening, although i know not much about it.)
ok, i am feeling a bit better already, just thinking about it. 🙂
**on a lighter note**
here’s some photos from last weekend…and a few other random ones…
like mama-like baby
my little hippie-girl. 🙂
sittin’ in the strolla. holla! whoot whoot!
serious self-portrait, squinting-into-the-sun face.
yummy trail mix
joshijah playing catch with daddy-bear.
running away from the ball……yikes!
another photo of my lovely.
hosanna loves quinoa! yummy!
funny face. 🙂